I'm a little more than bit dejected.

I like the friends I've made on my all-girl dorm floor, I really do. But there's this emotional distance I've noticed lately? Not so much from their end; more from mine. It's just that I can't connect with them very well.

No, I won't say "just." It sounds like I can really dismiss this. I sort of did, though, to an extent.

It's... well. I'm shit at verbal two-people conversations, so when I'm faced with them, I either babble or remain silent. It's like, what the hell do I talk to them about? I'd rather much listen. And in getting to know my new friends, that's really the sum of my interactions with them.

They talk, I listen. Yeah, I talk a bit here and there, but not much in comparison...? I just get the feeling that I know nothing about them. Or, really, that this friendship is kind of.... shallow, but only because I can't venture, can't offer bits and pieces of myself, you know?

I miss my high school friends. I don't have many close friends, but the ones I do have-- they know what I'm really like, or who I really am.

Around my floor mates, I tend to be very... reticent? I think that's the word. Zen-like, laid-back. Smile, laugh, keep my tongue. I let others do the talking and I can't help but think that's been holding me back. I know I have-- am still holding back.

I know that I can talk. A lot. But my interests are so different from my floor mates. And I can't talk about people or drama because I have nothing to say in that area. I don't have drama with people--- I don't do it. Or rather, it'd be more accurate to say that I can't. I'm fairly incapable of it.

I'm a somewhat violent person, but whatever aggression I have is like a sleeper agent. It's just not there most of the time. At the same time, I don't like confrontations that involve me. I'm too amiable and polite for that.

Fuck. Maybe it's because they're normal girls? Maybe cos most of them are white? (And I'm not talking about being caucasian here. I mean, generally speaking? The general lack of ethnic coloring? I can't explain it.)

Maybe it's me?


There's this distance and I don't know what to do about it. It's slowly getting wider...