Dammit. Thank you ever so much for killing my hopes.

So I asked you, "when do you wanna hang out? I mean, when you can, of course"-- I really did not expect flippin' winter break. And, to top that, a reunion. With other people.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against that. That reunion (which, if I'm not wrong, would have, maybe, three other people-- with ovaries) sounds like much fun.

But. But argh, maybe I was too subtle? But then again, I feel like you knew exactly what I was asking you.

Yeah. Yeah, I think you did.

Honestly, I feel really irritated but... but I don't think I can find it in myself to be really angry. Disappointed, yes, but... sort of relieved, too.

I think, however much I'm beginning to like you more and more, I'm not ready to really risk this friendship.

Because if we date, and we break up, I don't think we'll be friends again.

And I don't want that.

I like you. To put it in a juvenile fashion... I think I like-like you. I don't think it's just an urge for physical contact, though lord knows how much I've been missing intimate hugs.

I've already expressed the possible why's, so I'm not doing it here.

I really like hugging you, though. Mm yes. I really do.

Hate your schedule, though. Hate that we live ridiculously close, but not close enough. Hate how I just can't see you spontaneously. Hate that you're going to be so fuckin' busy in the coming months and do you know? I really disliking imposing upon people. So I'm very reluctant to ask you if you could please spend more time with me.

However, I hate sounding needy so I'll probably ask you in a very roundabout way.

Maybe.

I wish I saw you today. I would have liked to see you, if only for a couple of minutes. Or ten minutes. Fifteen minutes, really.

--Or, well, a few minutes. That's better than none.


Here's a pet peeve: I wish you'd initiate some conversations. I feel like I'm the only one who wants to talk.

Or that maybe you don't like me that much. But that, however, would contradict monday's evidence.

...

Oh fuck you, Y chromosome.

from silentlore on dragonspam:

9/5: ( Hog farmers are the ones who really bring home the bacon. )
9/4: ( He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed. )
9/3: ( I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. )
9/2: ( The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. )
9/1: ( Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right so I left. )

8/31: ( Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. )
8/30: ( When my friend saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. )
8/29: ( 5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area. )
8/28: ( It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. )

We hung out Monday, or at least it started as a casual hang out. Aside from wanting to spend time with him, I also wanted to play Mario Kart on his Nintendo DS to totally prove to him that I could finish in the top 3 in 150 cc. He was like, it's really hard; I finish 5th, at best.

And I was like, bitch, please. I could do better.

(Only I didn't AND I LOST SO BAD. Last place! Oh shame.)

But yeah. We were sitting pretty close together; side to side, thigh to thigh. That was in the beginning.

We gradually, um...started touching more. It was really very innocent, though.

I... can't keep a straight narrative (and a straight face, thinking about this) from here-on. So:

- We walked around for a bit. Went to Kmart cos I had to get cough drops. He hugged me on the escalator, though there was no real reason to (other than wanting to eeee).

- We went to Circuit City; before or after, I really can't remember. But at one point I was just standing in front of a display and he hugs me semi-loosely from behind around the waist. Color me delighted at this point.

- No pricey dinner. We ate at Wendy's cos we didn't feel like walking too far and spending much. xD

After that we hung out a bit on the steps of Union Square, though it would be more accurate to say I was sitting next to him, kind of pressed against his side. We chatted a bit and watched some strangers (strangers to us and strangers to each other) volley a ball around.

Eventually we moved to one of the benches. I played on his DS a bit more, cursed at some of the mini games, still sitting next to him, pressed against.

Went back to the steps, sat and chatted. Then back again to the benches, only on the other side of the park of benches before.

There was definitely more of that pressed-against-his-side sort of thing.

He stood up to stretch his legs. More chatter and banter and at one point I stood up and I hugged him cos yeah I felt like it and he hugged me and lifted me up... (though supposedly it was so that the bastard could say, yeah, he could still throw my ass far.

That's... sort of a backhanded compliment, isn't it.)

W sat back down. I'm... pretty sure we were cuddling at this point, since I was sort of... uh, cheek-to-cheek with him. Not exactly nuzzling him, but close. And his arm was behind me. And my arm was around his waist, sort of.

BUT OH...Now that I remember, a couple of times before the benches, he was telling me he was cold.

And I was like, WHAT. You're crazy! You're wearing a long sleeve shirt and an undershirt AND YOU'RE A BIT CHILLY?

I was wearing a short-sleeved tee-shirt, tights and a skirt. I was fine.

(Which, by the way, when I mentioned that I splurged on the skirt I had been wearing at that time-- and it was worth the $16.99 because it had pockets-- he was like, skirt? I didn't notice.

Um. Really now.)

Only now I think I realize what that comment was supposed to be. I mean, it was, wasn't it?

"I'm cooold."

It IS, isn't it!? That's some sort of invitation right there. RIGHT THERE.

I can't believe I didn't catch on sooner! Inside I wanted to ask, And what do you want ME to do about it?

Only I didn't.

.....I should have actually asked that, though. Damn

Anyway, he really couldn't stay around long, just until around 8. I mean, he stayed as long as he could, even though he had to meet up with his roommate. He didn't leave until around 8:30. And when we, uh, said goodbye, the bye-hugs were definitely longer than usual.

Then I kissed him on the cheek.

....andhekissedmycheekback

Innocent as hell, I know. But. god, so promising.

Now that I've written it... it feels like the written version is more romantic than it really is.

But... I guess it was still romantic? Definitely sweet, in hindsight.